I'm washing the boys wranglers right now and the water is solid green! They have been hauling hay with Grandpa Morse so much the last few weeks. And, T.J. has also been going with our neighbor, Hans, as well. Granted, they don't always let me wash their pants after they're finished. T.J. has been wearing the same ones for a week now and it's disgusting. But they're boys, and boys are dirty.
Raising them right, the cowboy way. The only way in my books.
Love these cowboys of mine. Feeling very blessed to have them.
Life is so much better right now considering the past year and a half I've had. Yes, there's still struggles, stresses, and feelings of insecurity, but it's getting better. Instead of feeling like I'm still swimming in this black hole, struggling to keep my head afloat, I feel like I'm climbing out of the dark cave I've been hallowed up in for the past year. Each day brings me a step further into the light.
I love it.
Does that mean I only have good days now? Absolutely not! I still have anxiety and panic attacks. I still have moments when I just need to cry for a minute. But then I'm ok and can go on. The crying is more of a cleanse now. I'm learning just how to express those emotions and then leave them at the doorstep, so to speak. Life has been so extremely hard the past year and a half. I have had many huge issues to deal with. From stresses of going back to school and dealing with math while trying to be mom, to Cody and his two surgeries within six weeks-one being a surprise and hard for him to recover. Then dad going downhill extremely fast and passing away from cancer after only testing him for it for two and a half weeks, to some major family struggles and feeling like I had to hold everyone together. Plus, two very difficult and very personal struggles over the past 16 months. It's taken a hard tole on me, but I'm determined to come back.
I actually decorated my house last week. You might think, "So what?". But to me, this was huge. I haven't decorated my house, minus Christmas, for a year and a half. And when I say I put up Christmas, it wasn't everything like I usually do. In fact, I hadn't even finished hanging up pictures and such since we remodeled the living room last year. Yup, that was also in my lovely crazy year... A remodel. But I actually loved that part minus the stress of trying to do that on top of school and then the deadline of having it done before Cody had his tonsils out so he could relax with the tv in there. Last week as I got out my decorations for the 4th of July, I realized something. I felt happy. I was enjoying something again that I've always loved to do. I knew that was a huge milestone for me and for a minute, I reflected at just how far I've come. And now I have a decorated house to remind me of that.
I found this quote that my dad's cousin posted on Facebook and immedialtely fell in love with it. I shared it on mine, hoping that the two members of my family who are really struggling right now would see it. I don't know if I'll ever know if they did, but I tried. This quote is so fitting for anyone who is going through this journey we call life. Everyone has struggles. It's up to us to rely on the Lord to take the struggles from us so we can have joy. I'm so thankful for the gospel and how much it can bless our lives if we will just let it. I'm so thankful for our Savior and everything he has done for each and everyone of us.
"We are commanded to be joyful because He has borne our sorrows. He
was a man of sorrows and aquainted with grief so that we need not be.
Our own sins and limitations are the things that make us sad. He had no
sins and limitations; he was not sad for his sake, but wholly for ours. Only one could suffer for others who did not deserve to suffer for himself.
"If we remain gloomy after what He did for us, it is because we do not
accept what he did for us. If we suffer, we deserve to suffer because
there is no need for it if we only believe in Him." -Hugh Nibley
You know you have a good kid when you go to get on the computer and you find that T.J. has switched his screen saver picture from a picture of Monster Jam to a picture of Jesus Christ. T.J. has to teach Deacons quorum tomorrow for the first time. He's been working on his lesson tonight and must have found this picture of Christ, because it's the first time I've seen it as his screen saver. T.J. is such a good kid. He got his first phone for Christmas this past year. The first Sunday as we were sitting in Sacrament meeting, I happen to look over at his phone as he turned it on real quick, and saw that the screen saver for his phone was a picture of the Salt Lake Temple. I was so proud. Even though there are times when he acts like a teenage boy, I know I don't have to worry about him when I see things like this. He's a good example to us. I sure love that kid.
This was T.J. studying last night. He stayed up until 10:00 working on his lesson, which was late considering he didn't go to bed the night before until 3:00 a.m.. He'd gone with Jared to play roller hockey and they can only rent out the place to do that from 12-2 a.m..
(*Written on Sunday, the next day... T.J. said he felt his lesson went pretty good. He said it wasn't long enough, but dad helped fill in time and they lead a discussion. The most important thing is that he prepared for this and studied. He tried his best and that's what we ask. Jared said he did a really good job. Jared is one of his Deacon Quorum leaders. I love my boys. I'm so blessed to have them be apart of our family.)
My parents loved the World Series. They'd each pick a team they'd root for and then watch every game. Who ever picked the loosing team had to pay for the others dinner. (Which I think is super cute anyways considering most of the time my mom didn't work, which meant technicially my dad always paid. But it was a fun bet they always did.)
I remember years of watching these games through dinner, or walking into the living room and seeing my parents both there watching the games. At times my dad would be to work, but mom would watch and fill him in on the highlights. I remember thinking how cool that was that my parents loved baseball so much, they'd make a game out of it. It was fun to see how excited they'd get when their teams would win. It was also fun when we'd have a babysitter come watch us so the looser could pay the winner with dinner.
A couple weeks ago Jared, out of the blue, asked if it was going to be hard for my mom. I had no idea what he was talking about. He said, "The World Series starts this week." I can't believe I'd forgotten that?! Instantly my heart melted. I was shocked that Jared remembered their bet. I didn't think he even knew when the world series was. We never watch baseball. Jared thinks it's boring, so we've never gotten into it.
That next night I walked into the living room to find Jared sitting in his green chair with the t.v. on. I found him watching The World Series! I asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to watch it and try it out, cause my dad liked it so much; then he could talk to my mom about it. Again, heart melting! I could hear at diferent times when the boys would walk in and ask what Jared was doing. He'd tell them what it was and say, "Grandpa used to watch this."
Over the next couple of weeks, I'd find Jared watching each of the seven games, and soon the boys were joining him. He even watched it with Jim up at my parents house after Sunday dinner this past week. We wanted the Giants to win, and sure enough, last night they did.
That has to be one of the sweetest things I've seen Jared do, especially considering he's always hated watching baseball. But you know what? After about the second or third game, he was upset he had to turn it off to leave for something. He told me it was actually getting pretty intense. It made me smile inside. We might just have a new baseball watching fan on our hands around here. I'm sure my dad was smiling through this.
Duke died tonight. Jared ran him over. T.J. told me earlier that he broke his chain. Later I found out it could have been fixed pretty easily, but T.J. didn't do that. This is a hard way of learning a lesson for T.J.. And I didn't handle it too nicely. Especially after I noticed he was loose. And then to hear it could have been fixed. Duke liked to chase after us as we'd leave. He would chase our bikes even. Especially T.J. as he'd leave for work. He'd even howl as he'd ride away. Dang it.
When will things turn around?! I feel awful because Blakeley absolutely loved that puppy and would always say, "Go boys house? See Duke?" It breaks my heart that we have to tell her now that Duke is in heaven with Grandpa.