Do you know what you get when you have a colonoscopy? You get to choose whatever you want for dinner the next night. Jared chose chicken strips with homemade honey mustard sauce, fries, macaroni and cheese and salad. Yes, it took two and a half hours to make, but I'd do anything for him. And, it's really yummy!!!!

Recipe curtesy of Paula Deen's Chicken Strips from her Lady and Sons Restaurant.

It's super delicious!!!

The Start of Treatments...

We met with Jared's radiation oncologist today. It's ironic and was quite humbling to realize that we were meeting at the exact office I bring my mom to for her radiation oncologist. But I won't get into that feeling this morning.

While we were waiting to be called back, the receptionist came over and informed us that we were to meet his oncologist upstairs at 12:40, after meeting with this first doctor. Looked to be a long visit at the hospital today.

The visit with the radiation oncologist went well. He told us that the biopsy Jared had on the 10th showed this to be a Desmoid tumor, but a few of the cells were actually staining to show a GIST tumor. Crazy, but they are still thinking this to be a desmoid. The first option to treat this is surgery, but he's already had that and it proved to be non-resectable. The second is radiation. This can cause a lot of side effects, which include diaherra, pain and inflammation in the intestines, and scar tissue that can make a surgery down the road more difficult, so really, we don't want to do surgery yet. The third is the chemo pill. At first they wanted Jared to participate in a study for this, but with finding that some cells showed this to be a GIST, there is another form of chemo pill that actually will treat both a Desmoid and a GIST. So this is the first step in fighting this, and then if radiation is needed down the road, that is an option. Radiation has proven effective in shrinking these, but with the location of Jared's, there are just too many side effects to jump in as the first type of treatment. He looked at Jared's scar and was surprised at how big it was, how raised, and how hard it was. He was wondering if Jared has some sort of gene that makes it to where his body scares a lot. Desmoids are like a scar tissue tumor. They grow in the tissues that make ligaments and tendons and are really a bunch of scar tissue that just keeps multiplying. He said if Jared has this, it would explain the desmoid tumor, but after looking at some other scares Jared has, he's not sold on that idea. Jared has to have a colonoscopy and some genetic testing to look for Gardner's syndrome, which is linked to colon cancer. His tumor is connected some to his large intestine, so they want to rule this out. Plus, we need to know if they should be watching Jared closely for colon cancer and if our boys are at risk for this. All this should take place over the next few weeks.

We met with Dr. Nibbley afterwards. We talked more in detail about this type of tumor. There are really no side effects with these two types. He said the anxiety Jared had a couple years ago that lasted about 6 months could be related, but there are no known relations that he knows of. He said tumors can do weird things, so it might be from that but we'll never know. He said they are for sure doing the chemo pill that is called Glevo. They'll watch Jared real close at first with blood tests to make sure his liver and kidneys can handle this, but usually the side effects are minimal. He said side effects are usually muscle aches and you might feel a little blah. People get used to it, and it's usually when they go off the pill, that they realize they do feel better without it. He said this is a type of pill that, if it works, he can stay on it as long as he needs to. This type of pill is also used to treat a type of leukemia. There's someone who has been on this pill since it came out 12 1/2 years ago and it's still working for her. That was very hopeful to hear! This treatment is one pill a day, but costs around $2,000 a month. Their office is checking with our ins. to see what our copay will be, and if it's still high, they'll figure ways to help get it down. We should be looking at getting his first prescription filled and him starting it in about a week. We are finally to this point!!!!!!! Doc said he knows it might seem like we've waisted a lot of time and have to back track now trying to make up for time lost without treatments, but with this type of tumor, it doesn't matter. This pill would take care of whatever might have grown in the last few months. We weren't worried about that at all, but I know some others have been. He said it looks as though this tumor has grown a little since his first original Ct scan back on Sept. 24th, but they think it's because it's inflamed a little and has a small pocket of air inside from the surgery and biopsy. The air should receed on it's own. Jared doesn't have the aggressive type of tumor. His is definitely slow growing!!!

All together we were at the hospital for 3 hours. We spent a lot of time talking to both doctors and having things explained to us more. It was really nice! It's nice to be able to get more answers and have a plan of how to fight this. The doctors are hopeful as well that they will be able to stop this, but even shrink it. I know it has taken a long time to get these answers, but some things just take time. Dr. Nibbley knew this was a slow growing tumor and would tell Jared he wanted him healed from the surgery and sepsis first before he really had to jump into more tests. Plus, today he said that we really didn't loose time with this. It wouldn't have mattered if he'd started treatments now verses a month ago. That was also nice to hear. Doc said it was good we could come in today, otherwise he was going to have us come in on Christmas Eve. I'm glad we got the news today. We are able to celebrate Christmas even more with having our minds at ease much more.

It's so exciting being to this point! I gave him a kiss and hug in the elevator as we left.  :)

Jared and I went to Arby's to celebrate. There still aren't a lot of restaurants he can eat yet. Arby's hasn't made him sick yet, so this is one place he likes to go. He got a huge roast beef sandwich and a salad. I got a reg. roast beef, a salad, and small fries that we shared. Jared also drank a few sips of Mountain Dew. This is the first time he's had pop since we were camping. He has to be careful about putting too much air in his bowels from the carbonation. Let's just say it was pretty hard on his system. He could hardly sit still with all the air that built over over a few minutes. But hey, now he's had pop! He's just staying away from it now.  :)

We ran errands afterwards to try and finish things up for Christmas. We didn't get home until 3:40ish. For leaving at 10:30, we were a lot longer than expected. I'm running out of time to get ready for Christmas, but that's the least of my worries today. I couldn't stop smiling, I had such a peaceful feeling and still feel like everything will be ok. I'm so thankful to have Jared in my life. He is my bestest friend. I am so in love with that guy.

What Cancer Does...

Cancer is stupid.

It tries to control you. It tries to take your peace and happiness away. It tries to change everything you know and throw a lot of unknown crap your way.

I'm not getting my presents for mom, Carrie, and Aunt Kathy finished this year. This is the second year in a row that they aren't done and it's all because of cancer.

It's a really special thing to me that I've wanted to make them. It's a sewing project that says, "It isn't happy people who are thankful, it's thankful people who are happy." It's an 11x14" size. I started these last year (making one for me as well), but ended up putting my sewing projects away for four months because we found out dad had cancer and died 6 days after his diagnosis. I didn't want to sew anymore. I was at the hospital working on this sewing project as dad was in having an MRI done at Riverton hospital when I got the call from Dr. Gilbert saying they got the biopsy results and it was, in fact, cancer. I put my project into my sewing box and didn't get it out until the first part of October. There was too much to do with funeral arrangements and such. And then taking care of filling dad's retirement, military stuff, and such, and I plain just didn't want to sew. That's what I was doing when my world turned upside down for a while. It didn't exactly have the best memories attached to it.

Once I picked my sewing up again, I marked the spot where I had stopped when that call came, and decided this exact one I was working on would be mine. It would show the mark where dad had died, and then my continuing on as I worked through a difficult time in my life. Sewing became very special to me again, so once again, I decided that this would be my project over the next year as I worked to finish these for Christmas of 2015.

Things were going along pretty well. I was almost completely done with the lettering in brown thread on the fourth and last one when my world got flipped upside down yet again by cancer. Jared had emergency surgery Sept. 24th due to a cancerous tumor that had completely blocked off his small intestines. This was a complete shock to us. He spent a week in the hospital, was home two days and then went back in with sepsis and spent another week there. Once he was home, he spent 5 days before he was back in again for another four due to another infection. Jared had a close call with loosing his life twice. We lived at the hospital 18 days. Once again, my life stopped as we focused on what was most important. My husband and our three boys. Nothing else mattered.

My husband has cancer. Seriously, how do you process this?

I'll tell ya. You take it one day at a time. You pray your heart out and then pray some more. You never give up hope. You rely on your faith and the prayers and fasting of others. Feeling the prayers of others is one of the neatest experiences we've had through this. The power of prayer is real. And because of it, we've made it through the last three months. Miracles can happen, and we've witnessed many. My sewing was set aside for a couple months, but was once again picked up. The only thing though, is it will once again be left for next year's gifts, but maybe now it will be for birthdays. Because of cancer and how crazy our lives became, I've misplaced the pattern and one of the actual sewing projects. I've been stressing over finding this the last week so I could get them finished, but tonight I've decided that I don't care anymore. I'm not going to stress over three presents. I'll just buy something for each one of them and enjoy this week with my family instead. Because of prayers and fasting, we've been given a very special gift this year. Jared's biopsy he had just over a week ago actually worked! We finally know what type of cancer he has so they can start treatments. Past biopsies and tests would show inconclusive, and the next step was a more invasive surgery with another 6-8 week recovery. His surgery was cancelled for this past Wednesday which means we got our Christmas with our boys back! What more could I ask for?! So forget stressing over presents, I'm going to be happy and enjoy these next 5 days with our kids, playing and doing what we normally do as a family.

Do you know what cancer does? It can ruin your life if you let it. We all have choices though, and I choose to see the good. I choose to use faith. I choose to look for blessings that come from my Father in Heaven. We all have trials to go through in life. How we choose to handle them and learn from them is what matters. Cancer is not going to break me. It's not going to take my holidays with my family away. I know we're going to have more trials to face that come from having cancer, but I'm going to enjoy the good when we have it. And when we are going through those hard times, I'm going to pray with all my heart for more good times to come.

After we have family prayer at night, someone reads a scripture. Tonight Jared read us two scriptures, Mosiah 23: 21-22

21. "Nevertheless the Lord teeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trite their patience and their faith."

22. "Nevertheless-whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day. Yea, and thus it was with this people."

And then he read this quote to us that he had inside his scriptures:

"Patience is not indifference. Actually, it is caring very much, but being willing, nevertheless, to submit both to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the 'process of time'.

"Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best - better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God's omniscience, as is as some seem to believe, God were on some sort of postdoctoral fellowship...

"We read in Mosiah about how the Lord simultaneously tries the patience of his people even as he tries their faith (Mosiah 23:21). One is not only to endure - but to endure well and gracefully those things which the Lord 'seeth fit to inflict upon us' (Mosiah 3:19),...

"The Lord has said twice: 'And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life' (D&C 101:38). Could it be that only when our self-control has become total do we come into true possession of our own souls?"

-Neal A. Maxwell

I absolutely loved this quote and the scriptures he read tonight. It hit me in so many ways. With all Jared is going through right now and patience being something he is supposed to learn from this trial (he's had a few priesthood blessings that has mentioned this.), it gave me a different perspective about patience and what it really is. And, with so many wondering how I can have so much patience and not freak out that we still don't know what type of cancer he has and how long his recovery process has been, I connected with this quote in a much different way. I've been blessed with faith and peace. My patriarchal blessing has told me this. I believe this is why I've been able to take one day at a time and have peace in my heart, because I have and always try to exercise faith. Does this mean I don't struggle? No. I still break down at times and cry, but I go on afterwards and continue to have faith in the outcome of someday. I feel so blessed to have this gift in my life. Faith is absolutely amazing if we can allow ourselves to really use it the way we are instructed to.

Quotes From Hunter

Hunter was talking to Cody and T.J. in the car as we drove to Army Navy Store. Here's some classic quotes from him:

It's the day after thanksgiving and we are out doing our Christmas shopping. We had just picked up Hunter from McDonald's with grandma and Heather to come shopping with us, and grabbed us something to eat as well. As we were driving and talking about McDonald's food, Hunter piped up saying...
"McDonald's has never been gross for me." Ha ha!

And then, during the same car ride and out of the blue, this came out of him....

Hunter: "Have you noticed when your a grandpa, your brothers don't hang out with you anymore? Isn't that weird?"
(He then compared that to Grandpa Kenison and how he didn't see his brothers very much.)

This kid. He cracks us up. You never know what he'll come up with next. It's so fun to see how he views things.

Through the eyes of a child...

The Pimple

Hunter: "Mom, I have this weird bump under my nose."
Me: "Let me see.
(Looking...)
Me: "Oh, it's just a pimple/black head thing. Here, just do this to get rid of it."
Hunter: "No, don't touch it. I want to keep my bump."

Oh buddy, someday you'll wish they'd just go away.

My baby has his first pimple.

I'm feeling old.

Dinner For One

I didn't go to pizza night with Jared and the boys. I was only home from work about ten minutes when it hit me that I wasn't feeling good; instant chills and body aches. I knew I was getting sick.

I hate getting sick. Hopefully it's a quick one.

So I drank some V8 juice, took a little nap, and still went walking with Jared because exercise is good for you, so it better help me get better quicker.

I decided to go to Cafe' Rio and get take out. I have been craving this place so badly. With hearing what is in store with our future here in the next week or two, I decided I needed this tonight. Forget not feeling good, I'm going out. To say I love this place is an understatement. It's freakin' delicious!! But with Jared being down and all he's been through, this isn't a place we can eat at together right now. We used to go there a lot. He loves their quesadillas and would get a burrito with double meat to go with it. I love their sweet pork salads and would get a nino' quesadilla on the side and then eat that in the car on the way home. It's so yummy! But until Jared can eat that again, I've had a hard time going there and eating it knowing he was home having one of the same meals he has over and over. He is doing better at handling more foods, but spicy, fattening foods are hard on him. He can't have raw veggies yet or salad, and he can't handle a ton of meat yet, not to mention the beans in one of those burritos. He'll get there, but he's got probably another month or two before that.

So while they went to the inlaws for the normal Friday night pizza night, I went to Cafe' Rio. Knowing Jared was having fun helped me get over some of the guilt.

I hate going places by myself sometimes. Tonight was one. There were couples everywhere, which reminded me I was alone. And waiting in line by yourself is boring. Usually that's when Jared and I just talk. Thank goodness the line wasn't quite as long tonight. I got my traditional salad and nino', paid, and walked out to the car, again realizing I was alone because I was a bit nervous to walk to the car with where I parked.

Once home and after changing into my Monster's Inc. pajama pants, I curled up in bed under blankets because I still have the chills, and ate my yummy salad and nino' while watching my favorite show on Friday nights - Diner's, Drive-ins and Dives. Having Guy Fieri with me helped make dinner not so lonely. :) The quesadilla wasn't good tonight, so that will help me not feel so bad to tell Jared where I went. It was cold and not much cheese at all. But the salad was delicious!

Life is crazy right now. The last two months have seemed like 6 months with how much has happened, yet such a blur. And now Jared is facing another surgery to try and get a better sample to biopsy so we can figure out what kind of cancer this is. I honestly have been able to take life a day at a time, which is unusual for me. I normally like to know what is going to happen and know what the road entails. But this time is different, and I feel it's a direct blessing from all the prayers people are offering on our behalf. I have been able to take life and this whole thing a day at a time; sometimes an hour at a time. It's been a true miracle.

Maybe it's because of the holidays and having kids, but this surgery has me wondering what the schedule is going to be like though, over the next month and a half. We meet with the surgeon next Tuesday to find out when his surgery will be and how invasive. And you know what I'm thinking? How hard of a surgery is this one going to be on Jared? How much will he need my help this time? How can I help him feel the peace I feel?  How am I going to handle pulling off the holidays, the christmas shopping, the decorating and preparations the holidays bring? How am I going to pull off a "normal" christmas for my kids so it doesn't hit them so hard just how much our lives really have changed? Their dad has cancer. My husband has cancer. We know this changes our lives completely, but I worry how much the kids will be able to handle it when they fully realize their dad has the stupid "C" word. And I don't want them to realize this during the holidays and always have that memory haunt them during this time of the year.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but this time of the year is hard to deal with this type of thing, let alone try to keep life as normal as possible and give our kids a christmas that isn't tainted with cancer and surgeries. I will be happy when Tuesday morning rolls around to hear when this surgery will happen and just how invasive this will be. Are they thinking laparoscopic or do they need to go in using the incision he already has? How much will this set him back recovery wise, and how much work will I be taking off again? Then financially, how long now until he is able to start working again. He was going to try Monday driving the truck around, running errands and such to see how his resistance is, and then possibly start working the week after thanksgiving.

There's lots to think about, and today while at work, it hit me. I have explained it so many times today what is going on with Jared, that it started sinking in more how we are doing this through the holidays. Talking to people about this wears on me. I love being positive and feel so blessed with how Jared has been able to recover so much, that I feel guilty if I don't speak positive about it. I know this is a blessing from Heavenly Father. We almost lost Jared twice, why shouldn't I be positive when talking about his recovery?! But people think I should be crying when I talk about it, and the way they talk to me and become negative and act like there is no hope, is a hard thing to hear over and over. One lady at work told me how her uncle died after a surgery on his intestines.

 Um, this probably isn't the time to tell me this.

But I guess he was an onry old man and the nurses would't want to take care of him because of it, so they left him alone. His infection killed him. But seriously people, let's be a little more positive and optimistic. If you see that I can talk about it and stay positive, please don't try and turn that and take that peace I have away from me. Life is too short to be gloomy and down. Let's enjoy the blessings we have in life and be thankful for them.