Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Life is so much better right now considering the past year and a half I've had. Yes, there's still struggles, stresses, and feelings of insecurity, but it's getting better. Instead of feeling like I'm still swimming in this black hole, struggling to keep my head afloat, I feel like I'm climbing out of the dark cave I've been hallowed up in for the past year. Each day brings me a step further into the light.

I love it.

Does that mean I only have good days now? Absolutely not! I still have anxiety and panic attacks. I still have moments when I just need to cry for a minute. But then I'm ok and can go on. The crying is more of a cleanse now. I'm learning just how to express those emotions and then leave them at the doorstep, so to speak. Life has been so extremely hard the past year and a half. I have had many huge issues to deal with. From stresses of going back to school and dealing with math while trying to be mom, to Cody and his two surgeries within six weeks-one being a surprise and hard for him to recover. Then dad going downhill extremely fast and passing away from cancer after only testing him for it for two and a half weeks, to some major family struggles and feeling like I had to hold everyone together. Plus, two very difficult and very personal struggles over the past 16 months. It's taken a hard tole on me, but I'm determined to come back.

I actually decorated my house last week. You might think, "So what?". But to me, this was huge. I haven't decorated my house, minus Christmas, for a year and a half. And when I say I put up Christmas, it wasn't everything like I usually do. In fact, I hadn't even finished hanging up pictures and such since we remodeled the living room last year. Yup, that was also in my lovely crazy year... A remodel. But I actually loved that part minus the stress of trying to do that on top of school and then the deadline of having it done before Cody had his tonsils out so he could relax with the tv in there. Last week as I got out my decorations for the 4th of July, I realized something. I felt happy. I was enjoying something again that I've always loved to do. I knew that was a huge milestone for me and for a minute, I reflected at just how far I've come. And now I have a decorated house to remind me of that.

I found this quote that my dad's cousin posted on Facebook and immedialtely fell in love with it. I shared it on mine, hoping that the two members of my family who are really struggling right now would see it. I don't know if I'll ever know if they did, but I tried. This quote is so fitting for anyone who is going through this journey we call life. Everyone has struggles. It's up to us to rely on the Lord to take the struggles from us so we can have joy. I'm so thankful for the gospel and how much it can bless our lives if we will just let it. I'm so thankful for our Savior and everything he has done for each and everyone of us.

"We are commanded to be joyful because He has borne our sorrows. He was a man of sorrows and aquainted with grief so that we need not be. Our own sins and limitations are the things that make us sad. He had no sins and limitations; he was not sad for his sake, but wholly for ours. Only one could suffer for others who did not deserve to suffer for himself.
"If we remain gloomy after what He did for us, it is because we do not accept what he did for us. If we suffer, we deserve to suffer because there is no need for it if we only believe in Him."
-Hugh Nibley

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