Thursday, September 10, 2015

I've realized something today.... I hate being alone. This is my first time since Hunter was in first grade to have a schedule where I will be home two days a week while they're at school. The last three years I've worked 5 days a week, and once I was off, would usually run errands and not have much time to be home alone. This year, I work only 3 days a week. Longer days, but still as many hours. I was really excited for this schedule until this morning. Jared, T.J. and Cody were out of here by 7:45, and Hunter had a student counsel meeting at school this morning at 8, so it was an early start around here. I've been busy making salsa to can, but was starting to feel the anxiety of being alone and the depression trying to come on. I looked up at the clock thinking it was at least 10 a.m.. Nope, 9:19 a.m.. Sheesh, it felt like a long morning already, and Hunter had only been gone an hour and nineteen minutes. I'm not one to freak out that my kids are gone and I have to be with them 24/7. I love spending time with them as much as possible, but it's more than that. I realized that for the first time in 16 years, I would have a couple of days a week where it was just me.

Only me.

Sometimes Jared will be home to drop off a trailer or switch one out, and every nine weeks Hunter will be off track, but other than that it's just me.

For the last 16 years, it's been pretty crazy. Seven months before I met Jared I had gone back to school full time plus working full time. Then I met Jared. (Enter in a bunch of awe's with hearts dancing around.) We married three months later. I continued to work until we had our first kid. Within three and a half years we had three kids and I helped Jared as much as possible with his hay business. Over the years he was working different jobs and I'd help as much as I could with those. For 7 of those years he worked rodeo which meant many weekends from April until September we were gone with Jared. We loved the rodeo life and tried to be with him as much as possible. The boys started school, and life became even crazier. Football started and over the years all three kids played. My parents both struggled a lot with health issues since 2009 which I helped with appointments, surgeries, and such, and my dad ended up passing away last July. We both serve in the church and they are usually bigger callings that take more time. Our families are close so we try to do as much as possible with them. We love to play and find ourselves gone A LOT! So ya, my life hasn't been just mine the last 16 years. But now it seems so different.

Jared works all day now which is unusual given what he used to do for work. Now he works a lot and I'm very thankful for it. It's just an adjustment for me. And the kids have school on my days off. I have a ton I need to do, but today it's just hitting me that I'm on my own again two days of the week. I know, if you're reading this you're probably thinking I'm crazy, but let me explain. After 16 years of always going and always having someone to care for, it's weird to have a day that I spend with myself. I like helping people. I think that's why I love working at the school so much, because I get to teach kids and help them learn! I love feeling needed and feeling good because I helped someone smile that day. Service is good. Now I need to learn to be comfortable with just me again for two days out of the week.

Yes, this is a weird post. But this is a weird day for me. I'm sure within a month I will have adjusted, but until then, I'm going to work on not letting myself become depressed on these days. There's a history of depression in my family. I've struggled with it many times in my life. In fact, I'm still struggling. But I feel like my time has come to pull myself out of the deep waters that have been swallowing me up for the last year and a half. It's time to move forward. It's time to be comfortable with being by myself and enjoying projects and scrapbooking again. I don't do those things anymore because I don't let myself. But now it's time.

Here we go.

No comments:

Post a Comment