Friday, November 20, 2015

Dinner For One

I didn't go to pizza night with Jared and the boys. I was only home from work about ten minutes when it hit me that I wasn't feeling good; instant chills and body aches. I knew I was getting sick.

I hate getting sick. Hopefully it's a quick one.

So I drank some V8 juice, took a little nap, and still went walking with Jared because exercise is good for you, so it better help me get better quicker.

I decided to go to Cafe' Rio and get take out. I have been craving this place so badly. With hearing what is in store with our future here in the next week or two, I decided I needed this tonight. Forget not feeling good, I'm going out. To say I love this place is an understatement. It's freakin' delicious!! But with Jared being down and all he's been through, this isn't a place we can eat at together right now. We used to go there a lot. He loves their quesadillas and would get a burrito with double meat to go with it. I love their sweet pork salads and would get a nino' quesadilla on the side and then eat that in the car on the way home. It's so yummy! But until Jared can eat that again, I've had a hard time going there and eating it knowing he was home having one of the same meals he has over and over. He is doing better at handling more foods, but spicy, fattening foods are hard on him. He can't have raw veggies yet or salad, and he can't handle a ton of meat yet, not to mention the beans in one of those burritos. He'll get there, but he's got probably another month or two before that.

So while they went to the inlaws for the normal Friday night pizza night, I went to Cafe' Rio. Knowing Jared was having fun helped me get over some of the guilt.

I hate going places by myself sometimes. Tonight was one. There were couples everywhere, which reminded me I was alone. And waiting in line by yourself is boring. Usually that's when Jared and I just talk. Thank goodness the line wasn't quite as long tonight. I got my traditional salad and nino', paid, and walked out to the car, again realizing I was alone because I was a bit nervous to walk to the car with where I parked.

Once home and after changing into my Monster's Inc. pajama pants, I curled up in bed under blankets because I still have the chills, and ate my yummy salad and nino' while watching my favorite show on Friday nights - Diner's, Drive-ins and Dives. Having Guy Fieri with me helped make dinner not so lonely. :) The quesadilla wasn't good tonight, so that will help me not feel so bad to tell Jared where I went. It was cold and not much cheese at all. But the salad was delicious!

Life is crazy right now. The last two months have seemed like 6 months with how much has happened, yet such a blur. And now Jared is facing another surgery to try and get a better sample to biopsy so we can figure out what kind of cancer this is. I honestly have been able to take life a day at a time, which is unusual for me. I normally like to know what is going to happen and know what the road entails. But this time is different, and I feel it's a direct blessing from all the prayers people are offering on our behalf. I have been able to take life and this whole thing a day at a time; sometimes an hour at a time. It's been a true miracle.

Maybe it's because of the holidays and having kids, but this surgery has me wondering what the schedule is going to be like though, over the next month and a half. We meet with the surgeon next Tuesday to find out when his surgery will be and how invasive. And you know what I'm thinking? How hard of a surgery is this one going to be on Jared? How much will he need my help this time? How can I help him feel the peace I feel?  How am I going to handle pulling off the holidays, the christmas shopping, the decorating and preparations the holidays bring? How am I going to pull off a "normal" christmas for my kids so it doesn't hit them so hard just how much our lives really have changed? Their dad has cancer. My husband has cancer. We know this changes our lives completely, but I worry how much the kids will be able to handle it when they fully realize their dad has the stupid "C" word. And I don't want them to realize this during the holidays and always have that memory haunt them during this time of the year.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but this time of the year is hard to deal with this type of thing, let alone try to keep life as normal as possible and give our kids a christmas that isn't tainted with cancer and surgeries. I will be happy when Tuesday morning rolls around to hear when this surgery will happen and just how invasive this will be. Are they thinking laparoscopic or do they need to go in using the incision he already has? How much will this set him back recovery wise, and how much work will I be taking off again? Then financially, how long now until he is able to start working again. He was going to try Monday driving the truck around, running errands and such to see how his resistance is, and then possibly start working the week after thanksgiving.

There's lots to think about, and today while at work, it hit me. I have explained it so many times today what is going on with Jared, that it started sinking in more how we are doing this through the holidays. Talking to people about this wears on me. I love being positive and feel so blessed with how Jared has been able to recover so much, that I feel guilty if I don't speak positive about it. I know this is a blessing from Heavenly Father. We almost lost Jared twice, why shouldn't I be positive when talking about his recovery?! But people think I should be crying when I talk about it, and the way they talk to me and become negative and act like there is no hope, is a hard thing to hear over and over. One lady at work told me how her uncle died after a surgery on his intestines.

 Um, this probably isn't the time to tell me this.

But I guess he was an onry old man and the nurses would't want to take care of him because of it, so they left him alone. His infection killed him. But seriously people, let's be a little more positive and optimistic. If you see that I can talk about it and stay positive, please don't try and turn that and take that peace I have away from me. Life is too short to be gloomy and down. Let's enjoy the blessings we have in life and be thankful for them.

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